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Strange Trips
by Fran
(Very Short Stories from '79-'82, A skater's perspective)
The names have been changed to protect the guilty

Mongoloid
We arrived at the house of Bag's new chick, a hot unsymmetrical Duracell. Bag was sporting a new cropped 'do' and the latest new wave shades. Likewise, I had some sort of punk or new wave thing going on. We walked to the door and rang the buzzer. We could see her father through the living room windows. He was sort of tall and had a strangely shaped bald head. And then it happened. In unison, we started humming those familiar bass sounds. Right about the time the door opened. The words had started flowing from both of our mouths: And he-wore a hat, and he-had a job, and he-brought home the bacon so that…… When the door was fully opened, we even saw the hat rack. No one else knew, but we did. He was happy, much happier than you and me. Duracell knew the song too, she was not so happy.

Do you feel numb?
It was one of those motel parties, the kind where it's over when the television ends up being thrown on the floor and the manager is standing at the door with two policemen. So, we left. While dozing at a red light, ET (at the wheel) wakes up and says, 'man, my face is numb, is yours?' I replied (riding shotgun), 'yeahhh'. I never saw it coming. I felt my lower jaw sort of pop like a rubber band, just like in the Rocky movies. He had punched me in the face, taking advantage of my numbness. I said, 'that sucked!'

BMXers in thongs
One night in Ft Walton Beach, Fuzzy and I decided we needed some local action. We went to the public beach to hook up with some surfer, skater, and BMX types. Skaters and BMXers hung together then, unlike nowadays. One guy had a nice race bike. It was a Torker or an FMF or something equally sweet. I rode it around the parking lot, laying out some good flat-tracking lines and kickouts on the slick and sandy pavement. Then, I decided to bunny hop over some curbs. Thongs (slaps or flip-flops) and BMX pedals are not compatible. Anybody know first aid? That's about all I have to say about that.

No ID?
In Destin, we needed to make a beer stop, so we picked the least crowded convenience store we could find. We found one that had no cars, but 7 or 8 Harley choppers parked out of view, on the other side. No one in their right mind would go in there, especially a 16 year old minor looking for the 'sure thing' beer purchase. Fuzzy stayed in the car. I stumbled in. I nodded to the biker bouncer type on the cash register and a couple of his biker friends and their girls all sitting around talking. I went back to the coolers to select our pick our second course of the night, then I saw the signs. 'ID required'. Thinking fast, I trudged back up to the Harley guy and asked a seemingly legitimate question, 'What if I don't have one?' He said, 'One what?' I replied, 'the sign says ID required, what if I don't have one?'. He says, 'You came in here all alone and under age, in front of all my biker friends and ask if you can buy without an ID'. He says, 'Man, you can get all you want for that stunt'.

The almost drained pool
It was almost perfect, a beautiful 10ft deep diving well. It had great walls, about 6ft of transition and 4ft of vert. So I parked the board on the coping for the awesome trip down all that vert. I actually thought if I was strong and stable enough, I could just cruise through the 1 foot of water in the diving well. It did not work the way I planned!!

The pizza frisbee
Me and Mup (and sometimes Mac) used to throw pizza frisbees in Kroger. I don't mean these gingerly lobs where you are trying not to get caught. I mean launching them, like in a Pepsie commercial. What we found out was, If you launched them low and flat and really spin them hard, they would fly and you can actually get a skip or two off the floor. But you can't throw it too far or it will curve off target. Needless to say, as the managers got used to our antics and started watching out for us. So one person would be on the back of the store and the other would be at the front and we would walk the length of the store launching pizza Frisbees down the aisles. Watch out for the mid aisle displays. At full speed, a spinning pizza can take out most any display, especially cereal boxes.

Ludicrous find on sofa
JB's date sat on the sofa, drinking her troubles away. Along came someone better, and sat down beside her, and talked her into leaving, in his own special way. She exited at stage right. I happened to glance at the sofa, where she had just been sitting. There it was, on the sofa, free for the taking. The only other person that saw it was D, so we struck a treaty and halved it.

Velocity Whizzing
Flying down the road in the north county, we were skaters out consuming our bounty. Here's the situation. Jean Jeanie was at the helm, with Country and Sneed navigating. Bag, Hot Rod, D, and me were in the backseat. At some point, Hot Rod had to pee. So we all decided that he must go for the 'velocity whiz'. He got into some funky contorted position. With one leg on the back window shelf, the other standing in the backseat floorboard, and lying sideways over the front seat, he tried for the 'velocity whiz'. Needless to say, it did not work. We got wet.

Alva outhouse
As fate would have it one day, Bag decided to relieve himself. It was kind of funny, very stylish. However, Willy got badly bent. It's a fact, Bag just wet on Willy's brand new Alva. It just goes to show you, no matter what the situation is, some people just don't like you peeing on their Alva boards.

I'd like that soup to go
One night, Fuzzy, Comb, Action, and myself stopped off at the local convenience store to purchase some ice cold beer gas sandwiches. As we got our fill and headed back to the car, Comb was a couple seconds behind us. He gets in the car and calmly says, 'hey dudes, watch this'. Right about then, the worker moves quickly toward to the back of the store. Then Comb said, 'I think his tomato soup is done now'. He had put an METAL can of soup in the microwave.

Piercing farts
At a party, Mup and me decide to let the Lovely Couple pierce our ears. We set up a chair and grabbed some ice. I am up first. They iced my ear down and then poured rum on it. Then Mr. Lovely commenced to squeezing the crap out of my ear lobe forcing the earring stud through it. When it was Mup's turn, Miss Lovely decided to perform the operation on his ear. Her thinking was that she would be less rough. The only problem was that Mup's biological make-up caused him to cut the loudest and longest fart ever heard while an ear piercing was being performed. Was it the caring female hands gently pushing a small stainless rod through his ear lobe that caused the air disturbance? Was it pain induced? Was it a reaction to the ice? Who knows?

Big man on campus (BMOC)
While I was attending a prominent Alabama institution of higher learnin' sewin some wild oats, I got to know a real cool guy. He was in my fraternity and was an all around great guy. He had everything going for him, lots of great friends, high grades, knew lots of pretty and fun girls, and had lots of networking contacts across the campus. His name was Poot, I wonder if he still goes by the same name.

Slapped at the cosmetic counter
A teenage boy was slapped by a cosmetic worker in a local department store. Witnesses say, the boy was apparently asking the cosmetologist if she had any jumper cables. The cosmetologist went into an outrage, explaining how she could do 'whatever' or 'whoever' she pleased. During the loud outbreak she walked over and slapped the boy saying, 'get your own damn jumper cables'.

Who are you?
We were at a quiet house party, a work friend of Fuzzy's. We were commissioned to go to the local mart to pick out some refreshments. An older guy, at the party, drove. Me and Fuzz rode along. When we walked into the store, everybody, and I mean everybody, came in and was talking to this guy (our driver). One guy even asked for an autograph. So, me being the smart guy that I was, thought to myself, who is this guy? Fuzz was already keen to the situation, because he already knew. I on the other hand, had to be the stupid one that asked Bobby Eaton (pro wrestler) who he was.

First name basis with a monster
We always made it a point to be on first name basis with our chicks' parents. This put a homey feel about us, and for some reason the parents trusted us. We had some interesting situations. Some of the parents were genuine nice people, such as the Beer family. The Beer parents were not as gullible as they would have us think!! Others were quite strange. Others were down right monsters. Have you ever had to deal with a sweet beautiful girl (or close friend), who for some reason drew the wrong end of the stick when it came to physical abuse from her father and a mother who just sort of ignored it (or seemed to). This is one hard memory that Bag, ET, and I share.